TGIF - Thankfully Humbled

I am thankful for a difficult time in my life.   I had to learn a humbling lesson. The lesson began one morning with me wanting a baby!  All of the sudden I wanted more than anything to have a baby. My ‘clock’ had started ticking…. My husband wanted a baby too.  We were silly with excitement. We should be pregnant in a few months and BAM! insta-family! But then I had fertility trouble…..  At least with my first pregnancy.

I never thought about it being difficult to have a child.

Never!

I knew so many people that just had babies.  Many not even planned! Some pregnancies not wanted, like even dreaded!!  I just could not wrap my mind around that I, ME!, may have a difficult time becoming a mother!  What?!? That is insane! Do you know how many times I feared a pregnancy because I wasn’t ready?  A bunch! I spent money on birth control for years… NOW that was wasted funds! I was so angry!

Angry is probably an understatement!  I was livid!

People had babies all the time that they did not want!  This is not fair! PEOPLE TOSS BABIES OUT LIKE TRASH!! Why is this happening to me?!?  ALL I WANT TO DO IS LOVE A BABY!! There must be some kind of mistake. I was perfectly capable of having a baby!  I wanted one! I could provide for one! Everything was ready! I WAS READY! The clock is ticking...I am almost 30!!!!   (I was actually not, but my overdramatized mind said so.)

I had a conversation with a fertility-troubled friend about my angry thoughts, and she said “girl you sound just like me!!  It will be ok!” She had just had her healthy twin boys. She gave me some specialist’s phone number and some hard truths. She also said, “Pray about it!”  

I had waves of emotions!  You do not realize how many pregnant people there are in the world until you want to be one and can’t!  I would go from angry to sad, sometimes in the same thought process. I told my sister about my troubles a few days when I was sad and crying about it.  She is a gentle soul and said, “Pray about it.”

I started to pray about it.  I prayed about it a lot. My husband and I had an anniversary trip planned.  We also had some medicine to take during that time. I removed the “no baby for you” issue from the front of my mind.  I focused on having fun and relaxing time... And I prayed.

When we came back home, we were in the airport and Rusty said “wouldn’t that be neat if we brought something else back” and looks at my middle.  I smile and nearly cry because I want it so bad! I prayed in my head, right there in customs…. It was now back in the front of my mind.. how many days until I can take a test?!?  

Countdown begins!

Finally the day arrives!  

Negative, not pregnant!  At this point I have peed on enough sticks to do it with my eyes closed.  I cannot look at another pink line… I graduated to the clearly spelled out words “pregnant” or “not pregnant” tests.  I cry. I tell Rusty, and he’s sad too, but says “it’s ok, we will try again! We will have a baby!! Call the doctor and see what’s next!!”  Ok, I say.... And I prayed.

I spoke to the doctor’s office and they said because the medical plan they set up did not work, I needed to see another specialist…..I cry on the phone “oh please, can we try this treatment one more time?!”  She says ok in a sad voice and to come in the next day so they could do a blood test. I was not ready for the next specialist level of treatment because it was shots and lots more money!!!

I showed the nurse my ovulation testing notes from the trip.  The nurse took some blood to test. They said they would call tomorrow with the results…. And I prayed.

The doctor’s office called and said, “We aren’t sure, but we had some inconclusive results from your blood test.  Take another pregnancy test in two days and call us back…” How strange. Could I be pregnant and it was too early to tell?  I waited the longest two days of my life...then that morning at 6am, I took a pregnancy test. I went back to bed because they always said negative before and I wasn’t ready for the pain…again. I woke up about 20 mins later and checked the test.  It said Pregnant! I ran back to bed and jumped in and said, “Hey wake up, we’re pregnant!” Rusty said, “WE ARE?!?” I said, “Go read the test.” He said, “EWW! No, you peed on that thing!” And he gave me the biggest hug and we cried a little…

An answered prayer!  

I am thankful that God gave me Abigail.  I had to struggle to become pregnant to realize that everything is not easy.  Even the most basic natural reproduction is difficult or can be for some. Each pregnancy is a freakin miracle!  Our reproductive systems all have to align perfectly for a baby to be created. Each pregnancy is unique. I had to learn through this trial that everything has a perfect time, and it may not be Melissa’s time schedule!  I had to be humbled and forced to wait...

We figured we would have the same trouble with our second pregnancy and I was ready!  I had mentally prepared myself! And I prayed. I gave it to God.

Two months later I was pregnant with Amelia.   No plan, no medication… Rusty was as shocked as I was!  We thought we would be still trying after a year. But no, God had another plan!

I am thankful to be humbled by God.  God has humbled me more than once, and He will do it again!  Be thankful in all things because all things are meant for our good.

Be Different Folks!